How can I learn to open up to my parents?Hi Sugat,
Thanks for allowing me to address your question.
It sounds like you and your parents can use a little help with compassionate communication skills. Even if your parents are not completely dedicated or interested in developing better communication skills, you can fully embrace the idea and work on getting in touch with your compassionate communication.
I think you’ll find that once you begin to develop compassionate communication you’ll find that the ADHD, anxiety and depressive “pathologies” may diminish.
I’d like to suggest that you read Dr. Marshal B Rotenburgs book Nonviolent Communication.
The books preface includes:
An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.
The book also comes with a companion workbook, (I have not read through this yet).
You read and work through this material with or without your parents. It will also compliment any therapy or professional visits you currently attend or plan to attend.
This book was suggested to me to better get in touch with the more challenging people with which I have to communicate and have relationships. I’ve found that many times the frustrations, anger or depression is due to being unable to affectively communicate our wants and needs. Therefore, what happens is our needs and wants are not being met and our inners person and our relationships suffer.
At the very least, read the sample you can view on Amazon and/or on your Kindle.
I hope that this idea helps and interests you. The book is a very good read and I believe that we can all benefit from approaching all our life’s challenges (even the most difficult) with a positive perspective and desire for a positive solution and outcome.
Thomas Zerbarini
Monday, November 28, 2016
How can I learn to open up to my parents?
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Why was Crystal Mangum, in the Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted for false allegations and lying?
Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:
Why was Crystal Mangum, the lying accuser in the false Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted?False allegations of rape, molestation or inappropriate conduct are very easy claims to make and very difficult to disprove. Further, almost all false accusers go unpunished because the prosecution fails to file charges against the illegal acts. This further promotes more false accusation because the false accuser knows it is highly unlikely they will be prosecuted for their lies.
In contrast, most prosecutors don’t want to file charges against false accusations of sexual abuse or physical abuse. They claim it would, “set a precedence for victims not to come forward.”
Take a look at this article:
You’ll find it reads to inform us about the anatomy of false allegations and the chilling consequences of an indifferent accuser. It highlights the behavior pattern and mental state found in most false accusers. The accuser never really considers the severe consequences of their actions and the pandoras box of hysteria that follows. There is clear pathology and behavior patterns that suggest weak moral compass in these accusers.
Probably the most difficult prospect facing a false accuser is not that they will be caught in a lie, it’s admitting they are wrong and misrepresented the truth. The false accuser is typically showered with attention, sympathy, support and financial gain. Family and friends rally behind them and the snowball effect of showering the victim(s) with support services and the financial backing of the justice sytem reinforce the false accusers need to hide the lie.
It is very easy to destroy someone with false allegations. It has become a defense strategy and weapon in relationships, marriages and custody battles. The most important factor in these allegations is an unbiased, well educated and thorough investigation like the one in the article above. Unfortunetely, most investigations are not conducted properly. They are conducted with a bias for the accusor(s), many times with untrained investigators or botched investigations. Much like the Duke case, you’ll find an overzealous prosecutor seeking attention and/or votes and playing to the “tough on crime” mantra and putting all accussed of sex crimes, innocent or not, “behind bars.”
There is a movement towards accountability and prosecution of these false accusers. I believe their should be accountability and checks-and-balances that are enforced. False allegations destroy lives, make victims of us all and drains our legal system of investigating real crimes. We should all be well informed and rational when it comes to these serious topics.
Thomas Zerbarini
How do I become a pilot? I am looking forward to becoming one, but I am very lost…please help!
Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:
How do I become a pilot? I am looking forward to becoming one, but I am very lost…please helpI remember when I was in high school trying to figure out how to become an airline pilot. It all seems so elusive until I started asking questions and digging around like you are doing now.
Let me start off by saying I think your going after a Civil Engineering degree is a great idea. It really doesn't matter what degree you have when you want to become an airline pilot. It does make it easier to master more knowledge of the aviation industry if you get an aviation degree; but, you can study aviation at your leisure. Studying what you love is always easy.
I’ll share with you a previous post that gives links to aviation college resources and aviation flight schools as well. I would recommend visiting several colleges and schools and ask lots of questions. Prepare a folder with questions and a pad to write down you thoughts and observations when visiting.
The main obstacle for most pilot students is the financing and cost of flight training. You will find when you contact the flight schools and colleges that the “lab fees” or “flight training fees” are a big additional cost.
Consider going to a college that offers the civil degree and aviation flight degrees. I recommend this because when you are in college and get you flight training in college, you can use your financial aid and student loans for much of your training costs. Otherwise, you’ll have to self fund all of your flight training.
It is also a good idea to map out you post college and post training goals for gaining experience and your first commercial flying job. As an airline pilot you’ll need 1500 hours of flight time before the airlines can hire you. So, consider being a flight instructor, cargo pilot, bush pilot, etc… Be sure to ask questions on placement assistance and job search for graduates when you go to the schools.
What are the steps of becoming an airline pilot and how much time will it take?
I hope this helps.
Thomas Zerbarini
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
How do I deal with accidental pregnancy and unexpected fatherhood?Embrace it and enjoy the ride. It will be hard, it will be challenging and it will be rewarding too.
Don’t give up on your goals and dreams and your education. Especially, don’t give up on being involved with your baby and the mother. You must have interest and care for the mother, continue to work on that. There are support groups and resources available for new parents to take advantage of and help process the life changing event.
[caption id="attachment_704" align="alignnone" width="225"]Daddy's Love their Babies![/caption]
Ask for help! Be positive! Strive to be a good Father.
Search the internet for new Dad, Parent support groups.
Here’s a great article on how much a fathers involvement in a childs pregnancy, delivery and upbringing tremendously increases the outcome and success of the child, mother and father tremendously:
Working Dad: Do dads really need support groups?
Thomas Zerbarini
Thursday, October 6, 2016
How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to wear a girls costume for Halloween?
How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to be a Rainbow Dash fairy princess for Halloween?Well, if he has his heart set on that costume and completely understands that others may laugh and snicker, I think that’s GREAT! If it makes him happy and creative that is a great reason to support his decision.
I personally would get dressed up in my costume and wear it when dropping him off and picking him up at school. I’d probably dress up as a superhero like superman or maybe a minion or maybe Megamind...
Have fun with that one and enjoy Halloween.
Thomas Zerbarini
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?
Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?Unfortunately such mothers do exist.
My friend Kala was the youngest and the only daughter in their home. She arrived quite late in the family, an unplanned surprise.
Kala shared a very special bond with her father, like a lot of girls do. They go out together on hot evenings to have ice creams and for movies on the weekend. He helped her with her Maths and Physics and knew all her friends. Personally, I had huge admiration for the man.
She was her father’s favorite and that caused a lot of jealousy.
Her mother would insist that she sits in the middle seat whenever they go for movies and would want to give inputs during her lessons. It got worse when she grew up as her mother would dictate what she should wear and how she should behave with her father. Innocent hugs and pecks on cheeks were not as innocent anymore.
Her mother would sulk and act passive aggressive in her presence and refused to attend any events that involved her. That means her father would come for her recitations, sports day, report card day and others, while her mother sulk at home.
It made her feel apprehensive whenever she was around her parents. It felt like walking on thin ice. She was careful of what she’d spoke to her father in front of her and would limit her physical gestures.
Even long after her father’s demise, her mother accuses her for stealing her father away from her in a very subtle manner. She’d say things like how her father missed their anniversary celebration because it was her concert night, how her valentines gifts had become smaller because he has to buy something for both of them now.
All conversations about her late father with her mother seemed to go back to one place and time : how intimate they had been before her. The places they had honeymooned and all the romantic things he did for her before Kala was born.
She often tell me these stories of how she believes her mother is jealous of their father daughter relationship. At the beginning it sounds quite petty and I’d often recommend things like “invite your mother to come/join, she feels lonely”, but later I realized it’s not so petty anymore. It’s absurd and a sad thing, that a 45 years old mother says things like “No woman should touch my husband” to her own daughter.
Due to this, Kala and her mother was never on good terms. They tolerated each other for sake of their father and when he died, they just headed different path.
It was good for Kala though that they are no longer on talking terms, nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Managing Money, Commitment and Exceptions for our teens.
How do I get my parents to stop promising me money?First of all, you can never expect to “get” someone to stop or start doing something. You’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t expect the money at all.
I would recommend you look for ways to earn money like getting a job, mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc… Don’t sacrifice school for a job though. Be sure to keep up with your school work and doing your best.
Don’t make commitments you can’t keep, especially when the commitment depends upon someone else.
These are good lessons for life, commitments and being dependable. They are also excellent traits of successful entrepreneurs. I would recommend you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki.
You can get the book on iTunes or Amazon Kindle.
Just read the first two chapters and you’ll see why…I bet you’ll read the whole thing.
Thomas Zerbarini