It's Never Too Late to Make a Change

This heartfelt story from an alienator that lost the most precious things in her life is a powerful message. She identifies the source of her own personal motivation: she believes she is right and justified in her behavior. She only "see's and listens to" things and people that support her beliefs. Once down that rabbit hole Alice, it's hard to see and hear the facts and truth. It's hard to come back to reality, though its not impossible.

It's never too late to step back, look at the big picture and listen to your heart and the good intensions and Love from the other parent. If the alienated parent is honorably fighting to see their children, you better believe they LOVE those kids just as much as you do and has their best interest in their hear and mind.

This article is worth the read for anyone involved in alienating children from another parent.
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I Would Give Anything to Go Back

(Not the actual author, in order to protect her identity)
Author: A grieving mother
Editor: Ben Willaims
Date: 4/19/2016 (Re-post)

I saw you guys in the Huffington Post, and I wanted to share my story so you can share this with every single parent you possibly can. I’m no role model, but my message is important. There isn’t much that angers me anymore, except when two parents can’t set their differences aside and do what is best for THEIR child. I’ll be blunt. I was an "alienator". I played the whole ‘false allegations’, and ‘he did this’, ‘he did that’ game, which was encouraged by my lawyer.

I DID think that she was more “mine” than she was “his” because I loved her so very much. I wanted to mold her into what I wanted her to be. I didn’t think there was anyone who could care for her or love her like I could. I can’t tell you why I thought that or what could have changed my mind back then. But, because of MY selfish actions, I lost custody of my precious baby girl when she was 6. This is why your story in the news really hit home with me. It brought me to tears for everyone involved. I was so caught up in bitterness and being right, that I stopped seeing my little girl. I hated my ex so much, and I hated that he “won” even more. I cried every single day. And, I had to play the victim. Pity from others was the only thing bringing me comfort at that time. It’s behavior that, now, is hard for me to even comprehend. I don’t think I’m a bad person? At least, I certainly never intended to be.

It had been almost 5 months since I had seen my little girl when she and her Dad were hit by a semi truck. She was 7. I died that day too. Even then, I tried to blame him for it. Initially at least. I needed someone to blame. Now, I struggle daily to not blame myself. Obviously, I’m not saying that my little girl and her Dad would still be here today if I had done things differently, …but when they were hit, they were on their way to see her Counselor… no doubt, it was counseling needed because of MY actions. So, that is tough for me to swallow.

PARENTS, life is so short! And it can be taken in an instant! Life is never easy, and relationships are never easy. But, you need to figure it out! You DO NOT love your child more, and you aren’t the better parent. You are not helping your child by keeping them from half of their family, I don’t care what your lame, self-centered excuse is. We all have our good qualities, and we all have our problems. Perfectly imperfect. And, when YOU choose to fight and withhold your child, this is bringing out the worst in YOU anyway, so then your child has no positive role model in their life at all.

Learning about what my ex went through during the alienation and learning what a great father he was, was devastating to me. Simply because I couldn’t get past “my issues” and figure out how to communicate, I had to learn after his death what a great man he was and how much pain I caused him and our daughter. Don’t wait until you’re in my shoes and all you’re left with is thinking “I wish I could have the chance to do things differently.” There’s only one reasonable excuse for you to say “I can’t make things better TODAY” … and that is when death takes that opportunity from us. Everyone else, you have absolutely NO excuse.

Source: https://www.timetoputkidsfirst.org/i-would-give-anything-to-go-back

Thomas Zerbarini

Don't be so quick to judgment!

In many high profile industries like sports, aviation and alike there is magnetic appeal to report in the media disparaging blame and judgement of fault or guilt upon the key players, pilots or accused in the matter at question. After all, where's the news unless you can hang someone right?

Well, a pilot in a recent aviation incident felt compelled to voice his dissent in the media, and societies quickness to accuse him as the failure or at fault for the incident/accident that ensued.

Aviation is a strange profession. I love it to death, but the strange part is that if I meet my end in my line of work, it's most likely that I'll be blamed.

I'll be blamed long before any proof is brought forward. I'll be blamed by the media, by the people. I'll be blamed by the passengers if they survive. In a week the data recorders will be analysed and then maybe they'll find that it's not my fault. That I fought for hope amidst hopelessness till my dying breath.

Sadly that won't make as good a headline as much as "pilot error", or "pilot veers off runway when aligning for takeoff".

In fact, it was nothing to do with aligning that brought this ill-fated crew to a halt just short the peripheral wall at Dabolim yesterday (December 27).

How I wish I could explain concepts of asymmetric thrust to the number of people passing silent judgment and being armchair jurors. How do I tell someone about how much thrust 27,000 odd pounds is? How do I reiterate what a reverser unlock is? How do I tell the person that the same 27,000 pounds is now in an opposite direction?

Most of the crowd probably doesn't even know what a moment arm or a couple is. They dropped physics in 8th grade as it was too complex. That said, they blame the human machine who earns his bread and butter, putting into practice what they felt was too complicated.

Jet Airways Goa-Mumbai flight, which skid off the runway on December 27.

To be honest it's disgusting - flying this kind of passenger and taking responsibility for his life for however long it may be.

How do I explain not being able to see three taxiway lights in front of me to a crowd that says, "anyway you autoland in fog"? How?

It's at the brink of frustration that I'm writing this. Back in the day, an old grey instructor told me, "Son, in this world of civil aviation, its best to be a nameless faceless pilot who does his job and goes home!"

I probably didn't understand it then but now, more than ever, I totally understand. The sad part is it doesn't matter if it is a Cactus 1511 with Sully or the 9W aircraft.

Sadly, with technology improving in the home and workplace, the human has become the weak link. Sometimes one must note that the human is the strongest link. Without them shutting down the malfunctioning engine, the plane might have gone into the terminal, increasing the statistics of loss of life

As an appeal to the non-aviation public, believe that we as pilots love what we do and would never put anyone's life in jeopardy. We are sons, daughters, wives, husbands, parents, just like you. We haven't fallen from the realm of Asgard into the helm of these metal ships. It takes years of hard work to achieve it.

Media folk, this is an appeal to you: It's you who have sensationalised our profession with scandals, malpractices, and so on. Paint the right picture of pilots worldwide. Tell people that we are there to save lives, not take them. Make an honest effort to redeem your name when you're standing at heaven's gates, or you'll probably have the boatman remove you from the boat.

Educate the masses - who you manipulate to get more views - to the actual facts of thrust, lift, weight and drag. Tell them, from start to finish, what happens from takeoff to touchdown.

Do tell them that when they see the wind looping out of the window and the tip moving, there is a hand guiding this giant metal bird through the skies.

Stop judging: Pilot of Jet Airways Goa runway crash writes a strong letter

 We see this same quickness to judge in many high profile or sensitive emotional subject including false rap, assault or sexual abuse that can quickly cause hysterical responses to further inflame the false accusation and sensations the rumors, gossip and worst of all press and public opinion.

As a professional pilot and parent of four young children, I witness these types of allegations and false opinions placed upon my peers all the time and its immensely frustrating. Eventually we can get the truth uncovered and the facts laid out for all to see. The damage has been done already, in most cases, when false allegations and disparaging claims are made in knee-jerk haste to capitalize on the media impact or personal attack.

It usually takes years to repair the damage caused by these unsubstantiated quick judgements. Just imagine the irreparable harm it causes to young children as well if they are involved in the blame and shame somehow in domestic situations.

I think this pilots appeals are sound. I believe its a good message and should be expanded towards all areas that require un-biased investigative work and science based facts and findings to get to the real truth(s) before passing judgements. Especially in high profile cases where the media can easily get into the weeds.

Thomas Zerbarini

Also see: Why was Crystal Mangum, in the Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted for false allegations and lying?

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

How can I learn to open up to my parents? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Hi Sugat,

Thanks for allowing me to address your question.

It sounds like you and your parents can use a little help with compassionate communication skills. Even if your parents are not completely dedicated or interested in developing better communication skills, you can fully embrace the idea and work on getting in touch with your compassionate communication.

I think you’ll find that once you begin to develop compassionate communication you’ll find that the ADHD, anxiety and depressive “pathologies” may diminish.

I’d like to suggest that you read Dr. Marshal B Rotenburgs book Nonviolent Communication.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Deepak Chopra. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The books preface includes:

An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.

The book also comes with a companion workbook, (I have not read through this yet).

Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook, 2nd Edition: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Lucy Leu. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

You read and work through this material with or without your parents. It will also compliment any therapy or professional visits you currently attend or plan to attend.

This book was suggested to me to better get in touch with the more challenging people with which I have to communicate and have relationships. I’ve found that many times the frustrations, anger or depression is due to being unable to affectively communicate our wants and needs. Therefore, what happens is our needs and wants are not being met and our inners person and our relationships suffer.

At the very least, read the sample you can view on Amazon and/or on your Kindle.

I hope that this idea helps and interests you. The book is a very good read and I believe that we can all benefit from approaching all our life’s challenges (even the most difficult) with a positive perspective and desire for a positive solution and outcome.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend? Thomas Zerbarini Comments...

My answer to How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Well said Lexa.

I can relate to the fact that an insecure partner can have detrimental affects on a relationship. I had partner that was extremely jealous and with low self-confidence. I would experience awful accusations and false suspicions all the time. It was extremely embarrassing and frustrating. I found myself avoiding phone calls with my partner around my crew or in public places to stave off the accusatory questions of "who is that girls voice?" and "what, are you going out with your flight attendant tonight?"

My partners behavior made me less and less interested in her over time and eventually apathy took over and the relationship was doomed.

As a pilot that frequently spends numerous overnights with the crew, and many times they are female, going out to dinner or exploring the area is normal and a friendly way to make your trip enjoyable. Sometimes, I would insist that the crew stay together and have meals together for security reasons in a hostile downtown area.

Likewise, when my partner would go on business trips they were almost always all men. I would expect her to have meals and spend free time with the gentlemen with which she was traveling.

I trusted my partner and had no reason not to trust her. It made me secure in myself and in my understand of the relationship.

My partner didn't and couldn't trust; it fed her lack of self confidence. She should have trusted me because there was no reason not to. Since she chose not to trust, it consumed her and drove a wedge between us. Toward the end, she was hunting for anything to confirm her false suspicions. She was hell bent to prove she was right all along and would not rest until she came up with her ah-ha moment.

So, if you don't have trust in your partner, don't have a relationship with him/her. Further, if your expectations are that your partner never have opposite sex friends or casual professional outings amongst co-workers, then don't engage in a relationship.

Of course some people are not trustworthy and will cheat or be unfaithful. It's just not worth the anxiety and worry to not trust anyone. Start with trust and build on it. If overtime their actions prove untrustworthy, then confront it, forgive it and/or end it and move on. Worry and distrust in a relationship is prime ingredient for failure.

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend?

How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend?

How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend? by Lexa Michaelides Answer by Lexa Michaelides:

How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend?

TL;DR of details: Sometimes boyfriend has stayovers and hangs out with the crew (which includes women) when he's in another country. Recently he hung out with two female flight attendants and they went longboarding and swimming in bikinis. Boyfriend didn't tell OP that it was just him and two women.

I was angry because he dint bother to tell me anything after i found out and confronted him he just blamed it all on me and told me to stop asking so much questions , he started blaming the whole problem on me and then hungup on me over the phone.

I am in a tough situation here, am i wrong for being angry because he did not tell me properly that he just ended up with two girls ?? He had a choice and like he already has a girlfriend and i find this abit inapropriate. Because i know he wont even like it if i went out with guys alone without telling him.

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This has nothing to do with your partner being a pilot and everything to do with insecurity and lack of communication on both of your parts.

If your partner wouldn't be happy with you going out with your guy friends, he's insecure and jealous. People are allowed to have friends. It's important to have friends. Sometimes friends are of the gender that we happen to be attracted to. That doesn't mean anything because they're friends not lovers or partners. If you're not happy about your partner hanging out with his friends, you're being jealous and insecure as well. What else do you expect him to do, only go out when the men outnumber the women? Sit in his hotel room alone, staring at a photograph of you and crying because he's not allowed to interact with other women now that he has a girlfriend?

Do you two have an agreement where you have to tell one another before hanging out with people of the opposite sex? No? Then he didn't have to tell you that he was hanging out with women, just like you don't have to tell him when you're hanging out with men. You're just hanging out with friends, there's nothing dangerous or scary about that. Either the fear is entirely in your own mind because of your own insecurity or your partner is not trustworthy and therefore not worth your time.

It's childish of you to expect him not to hang out alone with women. It's childish if he would be angry at you for hanging out alone with men. It was childish for you to "confront" him about something that isn't wrong and childish of him to blame the issue on you and hang up instead of discussing it.

He had a choice and like he already has a girlfriend and i find this abit inapropriate.

Please tell me what's inappropriate about having friends while you're in a relationship. Please explain to me why you think that someone has to choose between their partner and having friends of the same gender as their partner. If you trust your partner, neither of those are issues. If you don't trust your partner, then your partner is the issue, not the friendships they have with other people.

Be secure in your relationships or get new relationships.

How do I cope with having a pilot as a boyfriend?

How does anyone have kids, a spouse, commute to work two hours per day, cook and still function at their job? (And why would anyone want ...

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

It's not easy; but, it is possible.

First of all it takes commitment, discipline and a lot of pre-planning to have it go smoothly.

There was a time when I was juggliing two kids, a wife, a 90 minute commute, two jobs and going to college online. It was challenging but it was doable.

I can't say I'd do it like that again in hindsight. I think it placed too much stress on my marriage; my wife had a difficult time coping with the stress which seem to give rise to increased health problems for her.

The kids were great and we still had plenty of time together after school and after dinner. We made it a point to dedicate that time and sit down dinners with the entire family. Also, on the weekends we would decompress and do fun things together and even go on little day or weekend trips.

A lot of our activities were dual or triple items at a time. For example as we made dinner, the kids did homework with me in the kitchen and I'd help them with their homework as needed.  And, the laundry was washing and drying to fold later.

Here's a typical day with four young kids (ages 4, 5, 10, 12) and two working parents:

• 6:15a - Wake up dress breakfast for school and work.
• 6:45a - Bus to school for 10 and 12 year olds
• 7:00a - Drive 4 and 5 year olds to Pre K
• 7:30a - Work
• 2:30p - Older kids go to After School Program ( do homework )
• 4:30p - Pick up toddlers from Pre K
• 5:00p - Pick up Tweens from School
• 5:30p - Start laundry and dinner, kids show/complete homework
• 6:30p - Dinner
• 7:15p - Kids play outside for a while, or we dance or play music games or dress-up together. Something fun.
• 8:00p - Kids shower/baths dress for bed
• 8:45p - Kids in bed to sleep
• 9:00p - Fold laundry, Do bills, clean up a little, prep lunches for morning, etc...
• 10:45p - Bedtime

Now, that's all nice on paper and it doesn't always work out that way. But, its a written target we aim for that keeps it manageable and predictable. If you don't at least try to plan and stick to a schedule then your just going to have chaos and things will constantly be overlooked and forgotten and you can spiral into stress and frustration--I've watched it happen and its not pretty.

So, just have a plan and approach it from a positive can do attitude and you'll be surprised how much you can accomplish in a day.

For me it was all about providing stability and a loving environment for my children. It worked and it was fun.

Thomas Zerbarini

How does anyone have kids, a spouse, commute to work two hours per day, cook and still function at their job? (And why would anyone want ...

My boyfriend never compliments me, has put me down about my weight in the past, and he knows it upsets me. I asked him why he never compl...

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

I've had experience with that exact same issue. I'm certain that it was not always this way in your relationship. Poor communication and lack of respect for each other can be very insidious over time. Resentments and apathy can fester and you find it getting worse the longer the issues are not addressed and resolved.

My first inclination is to recommend ending the relationship and to move on  to more positive people in your life.

Alternatively, if you have years invested and see clearly there is positive potential, it's not completely hopeless or the end. If you are both willing and committed to at least 4 months of counseling to help start to communicate freely and honestly, then go for it.

Keep in mind it will be very difficult in the beginning. You will both bring to the surface those regressed issues and/or resentments that have brought you to the negative behaviors you are experiencing today.

I for one do not give up easily in my relationships. I was brought up to seek every avenue to repair a relationship and work things out. Unfortunately, that has backfired on me once or twice and found myself in a relationship I should have ended long ago. That is mostly due to the fact that the other person in the relationship was not willing nor capable to commit to open/honest assessment of themselves and their contribution to the relationship. So, you may find that you are willing and able; but, you will never change or convince someone else to do the same if they are not interested.

Thomas Zerbarini

My boyfriend never compliments me, has put me down about my weight in the past, and he knows it upsets me. I asked him why he never compl...