
- First Officer John Zerbarini in the cockpit of a BE200 with Thomas Zerbarini. I'm sure he liked the plane more than the little bag of cookies. Win Win!

- Holding my little big boy on the Disney bus.
Comments, questions and thoughts answered by Thomas Zerbarini on various subjects including Aviation, Family, relationships and much more.





(Not the actual author, in order to protect her identity)
Author: A grieving mother
Editor: Ben Willaims
Date: 4/19/2016 (Re-post)
I saw you guys in the Huffington Post, and I wanted to share my story so you can share this with every single parent you possibly can. I’m no role model, but my message is important. There isn’t much that angers me anymore, except when two parents can’t set their differences aside and do what is best for THEIR child. I’ll be blunt. I was an "alienator". I played the whole ‘false allegations’, and ‘he did this’, ‘he did that’ game, which was encouraged by my lawyer.
I DID think that she was more “mine” than she was “his” because I loved her so very much. I wanted to mold her into what I wanted her to be. I didn’t think there was anyone who could care for her or love her like I could. I can’t tell you why I thought that or what could have changed my mind back then. But, because of MY selfish actions, I lost custody of my precious baby girl when she was 6. This is why your story in the news really hit home with me. It brought me to tears for everyone involved. I was so caught up in bitterness and being right, that I stopped seeing my little girl. I hated my ex so much, and I hated that he “won” even more. I cried every single day. And, I had to play the victim. Pity from others was the only thing bringing me comfort at that time. It’s behavior that, now, is hard for me to even comprehend. I don’t think I’m a bad person? At least, I certainly never intended to be.
It had been almost 5 months since I had seen my little girl when she and her Dad were hit by a semi truck. She was 7. I died that day too. Even then, I tried to blame him for it. Initially at least. I needed someone to blame. Now, I struggle daily to not blame myself. Obviously, I’m not saying that my little girl and her Dad would still be here today if I had done things differently, …but when they were hit, they were on their way to see her Counselor… no doubt, it was counseling needed because of MY actions. So, that is tough for me to swallow.
PARENTS, life is so short! And it can be taken in an instant! Life is never easy, and relationships are never easy. But, you need to figure it out! You DO NOT love your child more, and you aren’t the better parent. You are not helping your child by keeping them from half of their family, I don’t care what your lame, self-centered excuse is. We all have our good qualities, and we all have our problems. Perfectly imperfect. And, when YOU choose to fight and withhold your child, this is bringing out the worst in YOU anyway, so then your child has no positive role model in their life at all.
Learning about what my ex went through during the alienation and learning what a great father he was, was devastating to me. Simply because I couldn’t get past “my issues” and figure out how to communicate, I had to learn after his death what a great man he was and how much pain I caused him and our daughter. Don’t wait until you’re in my shoes and all you’re left with is thinking “I wish I could have the chance to do things differently.” There’s only one reasonable excuse for you to say “I can’t make things better TODAY” … and that is when death takes that opportunity from us. Everyone else, you have absolutely NO excuse.
Source: https://www.timetoputkidsfirst.org/i-would-give-anything-to-go-back
Helping a young child with behavior issues can be difficult and stressful. It is important to keep in perspective that anger is an expressive emotion for the child and it is not wrong to be angry.
Emotions, of course, are our expression and reaction to our surroundings and environment and that is completely normal and expected. A child’s expression of anger is typically how they express sadness and frustration.
I find that The Child Development Institute has a great article on how to understand and approach helping a child to express and cope with anger and frustration feelings.Here is a great bullet point or checklist to consider when addressing an angry and/or upset child:
- Catch the child being good.
- Deliberately ignore “the behavior,” not the child that can be tolerated.
- Provide physical outlets and other alternatives.
- Manipulate the surroundings, substitute the “problem activity(ies).
- Use closeness and touching, even a soft voice and calming tone.
- Be ready to show affection (if psychologically appropriate.)
- Ease tension through humor.
- Appeal directly to the child. Express your feelings and kneel down at their level.
- Explain situations, especially the one causing the stress.
- Use physical restraint (when appropriate) and/or remove child from environment.
- Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses.
- Use promises and rewards, not bribery. (I’d stay away from food or candy rewards)
- Say “No!” Establish limits and boundaries children can function freely within.
- Tell the child that you accept his/her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for expressing them.
- Build a positive self-image.
- Use punishment cautiosly (never physical.)
- Model appropriate behavior.
- Teach children to express themselves verbally.
Click on the link below for the full article and more on this topic.
How do I control my four year old's anger/awful behavior at home?Thomas Zerbarini
Stop judging: Pilot of Jet Airways Goa runway crash writes a strong letterAviation is a strange profession. I love it to death, but the strange part is that if I meet my end in my line of work, it's most likely that I'll be blamed.I'll be blamed long before any proof is brought forward. I'll be blamed by the media, by the people. I'll be blamed by the passengers if they survive. In a week the data recorders will be analysed and then maybe they'll find that it's not my fault. That I fought for hope amidst hopelessness till my dying breath.Sadly that won't make as good a headline as much as "pilot error", or "pilot veers off runway when aligning for takeoff".In fact, it was nothing to do with aligning that brought this ill-fated crew to a halt just short the peripheral wall at Dabolim yesterday (December 27).How I wish I could explain concepts of asymmetric thrust to the number of people passing silent judgment and being armchair jurors. How do I tell someone about how much thrust 27,000 odd pounds is? How do I reiterate what a reverser unlock is? How do I tell the person that the same 27,000 pounds is now in an opposite direction?Most of the crowd probably doesn't even know what a moment arm or a couple is. They dropped physics in 8th grade as it was too complex. That said, they blame the human machine who earns his bread and butter, putting into practice what they felt was too complicated.
Jet Airways Goa-Mumbai flight, which skid off the runway on December 27. To be honest it's disgusting - flying this kind of passenger and taking responsibility for his life for however long it may be.How do I explain not being able to see three taxiway lights in front of me to a crowd that says, "anyway you autoland in fog"? How?It's at the brink of frustration that I'm writing this. Back in the day, an old grey instructor told me, "Son, in this world of civil aviation, its best to be a nameless faceless pilot who does his job and goes home!"I probably didn't understand it then but now, more than ever, I totally understand. The sad part is it doesn't matter if it is a Cactus 1511 with Sully or the 9W aircraft.Sadly, with technology improving in the home and workplace, the human has become the weak link. Sometimes one must note that the human is the strongest link. Without them shutting down the malfunctioning engine, the plane might have gone into the terminal, increasing the statistics of loss of lifeAs an appeal to the non-aviation public, believe that we as pilots love what we do and would never put anyone's life in jeopardy. We are sons, daughters, wives, husbands, parents, just like you. We haven't fallen from the realm of Asgard into the helm of these metal ships. It takes years of hard work to achieve it.Media folk, this is an appeal to you: It's you who have sensationalised our profession with scandals, malpractices, and so on. Paint the right picture of pilots worldwide. Tell people that we are there to save lives, not take them. Make an honest effort to redeem your name when you're standing at heaven's gates, or you'll probably have the boatman remove you from the boat.Educate the masses - who you manipulate to get more views - to the actual facts of thrust, lift, weight and drag. Tell them, from start to finish, what happens from takeoff to touchdown.Do tell them that when they see the wind looping out of the window and the tip moving, there is a hand guiding this giant metal bird through the skies.
How can I learn to open up to my parents?Hi Sugat,
Thanks for allowing me to address your question.
It sounds like you and your parents can use a little help with compassionate communication skills. Even if your parents are not completely dedicated or interested in developing better communication skills, you can fully embrace the idea and work on getting in touch with your compassionate communication.
I think you’ll find that once you begin to develop compassionate communication you’ll find that the ADHD, anxiety and depressive “pathologies” may diminish.
I’d like to suggest that you read Dr. Marshal B Rotenburgs book Nonviolent Communication.
The books preface includes:
An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.
The book also comes with a companion workbook, (I have not read through this yet).
You read and work through this material with or without your parents. It will also compliment any therapy or professional visits you currently attend or plan to attend.
This book was suggested to me to better get in touch with the more challenging people with which I have to communicate and have relationships. I’ve found that many times the frustrations, anger or depression is due to being unable to affectively communicate our wants and needs. Therefore, what happens is our needs and wants are not being met and our inners person and our relationships suffer.
At the very least, read the sample you can view on Amazon and/or on your Kindle.
I hope that this idea helps and interests you. The book is a very good read and I believe that we can all benefit from approaching all our life’s challenges (even the most difficult) with a positive perspective and desire for a positive solution and outcome.
Thomas Zerbarini
How do I deal with accidental pregnancy and unexpected fatherhood?Embrace it and enjoy the ride. It will be hard, it will be challenging and it will be rewarding too.
Don’t give up on your goals and dreams and your education. Especially, don’t give up on being involved with your baby and the mother. You must have interest and care for the mother, continue to work on that. There are support groups and resources available for new parents to take advantage of and help process the life changing event.
[caption id="attachment_704" align="alignnone" width="225"]Daddy's Love their Babies![/caption]
Ask for help! Be positive! Strive to be a good Father.
Search the internet for new Dad, Parent support groups.
Here’s a great article on how much a fathers involvement in a childs pregnancy, delivery and upbringing tremendously increases the outcome and success of the child, mother and father tremendously:
Working Dad: Do dads really need support groups?
Thomas Zerbarini
How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to be a Rainbow Dash fairy princess for Halloween?Well, if he has his heart set on that costume and completely understands that others may laugh and snicker, I think that’s GREAT! If it makes him happy and creative that is a great reason to support his decision.
I personally would get dressed up in my costume and wear it when dropping him off and picking him up at school. I’d probably dress up as a superhero like superman or maybe a minion or maybe Megamind...
Have fun with that one and enjoy Halloween.
Thomas Zerbarini
Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?Unfortunately such mothers do exist.
My friend Kala was the youngest and the only daughter in their home. She arrived quite late in the family, an unplanned surprise.
Kala shared a very special bond with her father, like a lot of girls do. They go out together on hot evenings to have ice creams and for movies on the weekend. He helped her with her Maths and Physics and knew all her friends. Personally, I had huge admiration for the man.
She was her father’s favorite and that caused a lot of jealousy.
Her mother would insist that she sits in the middle seat whenever they go for movies and would want to give inputs during her lessons. It got worse when she grew up as her mother would dictate what she should wear and how she should behave with her father. Innocent hugs and pecks on cheeks were not as innocent anymore.
Her mother would sulk and act passive aggressive in her presence and refused to attend any events that involved her. That means her father would come for her recitations, sports day, report card day and others, while her mother sulk at home.
It made her feel apprehensive whenever she was around her parents. It felt like walking on thin ice. She was careful of what she’d spoke to her father in front of her and would limit her physical gestures.
Even long after her father’s demise, her mother accuses her for stealing her father away from her in a very subtle manner. She’d say things like how her father missed their anniversary celebration because it was her concert night, how her valentines gifts had become smaller because he has to buy something for both of them now.
All conversations about her late father with her mother seemed to go back to one place and time : how intimate they had been before her. The places they had honeymooned and all the romantic things he did for her before Kala was born.
She often tell me these stories of how she believes her mother is jealous of their father daughter relationship. At the beginning it sounds quite petty and I’d often recommend things like “invite your mother to come/join, she feels lonely”, but later I realized it’s not so petty anymore. It’s absurd and a sad thing, that a 45 years old mother says things like “No woman should touch my husband” to her own daughter.
Due to this, Kala and her mother was never on good terms. They tolerated each other for sake of their father and when he died, they just headed different path.
It was good for Kala though that they are no longer on talking terms, nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
How do I get my parents to stop promising me money?First of all, you can never expect to “get” someone to stop or start doing something. You’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t expect the money at all.
I would recommend you look for ways to earn money like getting a job, mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc… Don’t sacrifice school for a job though. Be sure to keep up with your school work and doing your best.
Don’t make commitments you can’t keep, especially when the commitment depends upon someone else.
These are good lessons for life, commitments and being dependable. They are also excellent traits of successful entrepreneurs. I would recommend you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki.
You can get the book on iTunes or Amazon Kindle.
Just read the first two chapters and you’ll see why…I bet you’ll read the whole thing.
Thomas Zerbarini
I would start with asking your current parents, if that’s possible, to help you. Then reach out to the adoption agency and ask them for assistance. many times there is a contact and/or “do not contact” request from the biological parents. The adoption agency may be able to contact the biological parents and find out if they want contact with their biological child.
I was adopted as a young child. Where do I start to find my birth mother?I would suggest you consider going forward on this with a trusted support structure just in case this becomes an emotionally difficult process for you.Thomas Zerbarini
My 15-year-old boy sneaks out of the house. What can I do?15 year old kids crave independence and freedom. They need and want to learn some things on their own.
Consider your statement of “a strict household.” I completely support good discipline, establishing rules and boundaries for children. As our kids get older they need more freedom to express and explore and learn.
I like the way Dr Julie Carbery put it in the article on Family Life,
Enter Dr. Julie Carbery, an adolescent and child psychotherapist, who has seen and heard it all in her twelve years of family practice. "What's going on is freedom. Freedom is cocaine to a teenager. It's intoxicating. It's addictive. And it is often their biggest motivator. They will do anything to get it, and they are terrified of losing it."
This article has great input and advice on managing teen freedom and building trust with your teen.
Further, a great article on Positive Parenting Your Teen give a good broad spectrum of points to consider as you shift from young child to Tween/Teen parenting skills.
Parenting tweens can be a challenge. Here's how to stay connected.
I’d like to add that listening, patience, non-verbal gestures of Love, and consistency with your growing and changing children is so important. I’d consider them the foundation to good parenting.
Thanks for the opportunity to share and comment.
Thomas Zerbarini
I'm not sure there is a catch all way to motivate all parents to be good parents.What would be a good way to incentive parenting classes for new and existing parents?
Personally, I find that I want my children to be:
- Happy
- Safe
- Free from Bullies
- Educated
- Honest
- Engaged
- Successful
- Outgoing
- Loyal
- A good brother or sister
- A good friend
- Friendly
- God Fearing
- Analytical
- Brave
- Good Leaders as well as good followers
- Loving
- Respectful
- Healthy
- Clean
- Energetic
- Funny
- Musical
The funny part about it, is that I want and strive for the same things myself. So, I think it is safe to deduce that you need to educate people how to be good people first. Then, you'll have good people wanting to be good parents.
Values like family, honor and integrity seem to be less taught or emphasized these days. We seem to be shifting more to a society striving for self gratification and personal entitlement instead of for the greater good of your family, neighborhood, city, state, and even country. I believe that if a person cares about the bigger picture of their role in this society that they will care about how they interface with it. I think that is the basis for a person wanting to be a good person, sibling, child, spouse and yes a parent.
I have a lot more personal observation and opinion on this if anyone would like to comment and add to the subject. I'd love to hear what other think about this subject.
Thomas Zerbarini
It's not easy; but, it is possible.How does anyone have kids, a spouse, commute to work two hours per day, cook and still function at their job? (And why would anyone want ...
First of all it takes commitment, discipline and a lot of pre-planning to have it go smoothly.
There was a time when I was juggliing two kids, a wife, a 90 minute commute, two jobs and going to college online. It was challenging but it was doable.
I can't say I'd do it like that again in hindsight. I think it placed too much stress on my marriage; my wife had a difficult time coping with the stress which seem to give rise to increased health problems for her.
The kids were great and we still had plenty of time together after school and after dinner. We made it a point to dedicate that time and sit down dinners with the entire family. Also, on the weekends we would decompress and do fun things together and even go on little day or weekend trips.
A lot of our activities were dual or triple items at a time. For example as we made dinner, the kids did homework with me in the kitchen and I'd help them with their homework as needed. And, the laundry was washing and drying to fold later.
Here's a typical day with four young kids (ages 4, 5, 10, 12) and two working parents:
- 6:15a - Wake up dress breakfast for school and work.
- 6:45a - Bus to school for 10 and 12 year olds
- 7:00a - Drive 4 and 5 year olds to Pre K
- 7:30a - Work
- 2:30p - Older kids go to After School Program ( do homework )
- 4:30p - Pick up toddlers from Pre K
- 5:00p - Pick up Tweens from School
- 5:30p - Start laundry and dinner, kids show/complete homework
- 6:30p - Dinner
- 7:15p - Kids play outside for a while, or we dance or play music games or dress-up together. Something fun.
- 8:00p - Kids shower/baths dress for bed
- 8:45p - Kids in bed to sleep
- 9:00p - Fold laundry, Do bills, clean up a little, prep lunches for morning, etc...
- 10:45p - Bedtime
Now, that's all nice on paper and it doesn't always work out that way. But, its a written target we aim for that keeps it manageable and predictable. If you don't at least try to plan and stick to a schedule then your just going to have chaos and things will constantly be overlooked and forgotten and you can spiral into stress and frustration--I've watched it happen and its not pretty.
So, just have a plan and approach it from a positive can do attitude and you'll be surprised how much you can accomplish in a day.
For me it was all about providing stability and a loving environment for my children. It worked and it was fun.
Thomas Zerbarini
This sounds like indirect bullying to me. It sounds like the controlling child has not been taught to include others and is not comfortable around others.How can a kind child stand up against a bossy kid who obliges the child to play exclusively with them?
If it were my child, I would talk to them about what a good friend means and what a not good friend means.
I would talk about how important it is to have more than one friend. To interact, play and share with others is a good thing and nobody should make you feel bad about that.
I would emphasize that it is important to include others and be friendly to others, especially those that are alone, shy, single out, teased, etc... Nobody wants to be left out and being left out hurts feelings.
I'll also explain that it is okay to have one on one time with a friend, but not all the time. You should spend time one on one with other children to build your friendships.
Children and friends can be a difficult thing to navigate sometimes. Kids can be mean to each other one day and best friends the next. I have had talks with my kids about that very issue. I simply said that they can share their feelings with their friends when they are being mean and say that you need to take a time out from your friendship for a little while. Amazingly, it worked and my kids handled it incredibly well. To help, I would spend a little special time doing some activity with them and even helped them call and set up play dates with their other friends.
I think the most important thing is to teach our children that a bossy friend is not good behavior and maybe not a good friend.
Thomas Zerbarini
This is what my parents shared with me that I remember and credit their advice both directly and indirectly.What was the best advice that your parents had given you?My father always had a lot to say and a lot of advice and direction to offer. My mother was quiet and didn't say much. I learned a lot from both of them. Learning was a choice for me to listen and watch from my parents and others. I left behind the bad advice and habits I observed and kept and good advice and teachings that I could use to try and be a better person.
- If you have a hard time saying you Love someone, show them you Love them with your actions.
- Be honest with yourself and others--always.
- Share your feelings, don't bottle them up inside
- Talk and be open and honest with others, (an honest person talks in detail, a dishonest person avoids conversation and lacks detail)
- Make eye contact, (the eyes are the window to the soul)
- Never, never leave your wingman (take care of your family and friends)
- Stand up for others; help those that are bullied, teased, lonely, struggling, afraid, hurt, etc...
- Finish what you start
- Clean your room
Thanks for the question. It's nice to remember and ponder what I learned from my parents. It feels good to give credit where credit is due.
Thomas Zerbarini
I'm sorry about what you have heard. It feels terrible to over hear a conversation about you when it's negative. Even if they are frustrated with you or have good reason to be upset with you--it still hurts.My parents complain about me to their siblings and I feel none of them care about me anymore, including my parents. What should I do?
If you feel comfortable with speaking to your parents, let them know what you heard and how that makes you feel. Don't attack, complain or blame, just relate your feelings and ask them to please not do that anymore.
At the very least you will feel better about expressing your true feelings. Secondly, the openness about how you feel may develop dialogue with your parents. There is obviously things that you may need to discuss and work through with your parents.
Try to keep an open mind and take responsibility and ownership of your contribution (negative or positive) in the relationship with your parents. If you express your feelings honestly and calmly and take responsibility for your contribution to the conflict, you will find that others will take ownership of their contributions and hurtful statements more easily.
This is very basic advice without knowing the details of what led up to your parents complaints.
Thomas Zerbarini