Happy Birthday John Zerbarini!

May 25, 2017

Today is my youngest sons 6th Birthday. I miss him so very much since he's been away these grueling 1046 days. I miss the time lost and taken from us. I miss his little voice in the morning while I made coffee asking, "play with me Daddy, play cars and trains with me Daddy?"

First Officer John Zerbarini in the cockpit of a BE200 with Thomas Zerbarini. I'm sure he liked the plane more than the little bag of cookies. Win Win!

I built my boys a play table for trains and cars that my older son Matthew handed down to John. He loved that table and all the fun things we would build together. He would spend hours on that table in his own little world and imagination much like I did when I was 4 years old.

John and I lost that table and all his cars and trains in the midst of our family crisis. I've been searching and piecing together those lost classic matchbox cars and Thomas wooden trains ever since. He loved those battery operated engines. It was nice to see him so excited about them.

Holding my little big boy on the Disney bus.

I would say to him: I have my own private Birthday wish for you John and I'm sure its the same as yours too. I would pick you up and give you the biggest hug and kisses for your Birthday and would never let you go the whole day. I Love you so very much my Birthday boy, my "Big Boy!"

Love Daddy

Thomas ZerbariniHapp

It's Never Too Late to Make a Change

This heartfelt story from an alienator that lost the most precious things in her life is a powerful message. She identifies the source of her own personal motivation: she believes she is right and justified in her behavior. She only "see's and listens to" things and people that support her beliefs. Once down that rabbit hole Alice, it's hard to see and hear the facts and truth. It's hard to come back to reality, though its not impossible.

It's never too late to step back, look at the big picture and listen to your heart and the good intensions and Love from the other parent. If the alienated parent is honorably fighting to see their children, you better believe they LOVE those kids just as much as you do and has their best interest in their hear and mind.

This article is worth the read for anyone involved in alienating children from another parent.
>>>

I Would Give Anything to Go Back

(Not the actual author, in order to protect her identity)
Author: A grieving mother
Editor: Ben Willaims
Date: 4/19/2016 (Re-post)

I saw you guys in the Huffington Post, and I wanted to share my story so you can share this with every single parent you possibly can. I’m no role model, but my message is important. There isn’t much that angers me anymore, except when two parents can’t set their differences aside and do what is best for THEIR child. I’ll be blunt. I was an "alienator". I played the whole ‘false allegations’, and ‘he did this’, ‘he did that’ game, which was encouraged by my lawyer.

I DID think that she was more “mine” than she was “his” because I loved her so very much. I wanted to mold her into what I wanted her to be. I didn’t think there was anyone who could care for her or love her like I could. I can’t tell you why I thought that or what could have changed my mind back then. But, because of MY selfish actions, I lost custody of my precious baby girl when she was 6. This is why your story in the news really hit home with me. It brought me to tears for everyone involved. I was so caught up in bitterness and being right, that I stopped seeing my little girl. I hated my ex so much, and I hated that he “won” even more. I cried every single day. And, I had to play the victim. Pity from others was the only thing bringing me comfort at that time. It’s behavior that, now, is hard for me to even comprehend. I don’t think I’m a bad person? At least, I certainly never intended to be.

It had been almost 5 months since I had seen my little girl when she and her Dad were hit by a semi truck. She was 7. I died that day too. Even then, I tried to blame him for it. Initially at least. I needed someone to blame. Now, I struggle daily to not blame myself. Obviously, I’m not saying that my little girl and her Dad would still be here today if I had done things differently, …but when they were hit, they were on their way to see her Counselor… no doubt, it was counseling needed because of MY actions. So, that is tough for me to swallow.

PARENTS, life is so short! And it can be taken in an instant! Life is never easy, and relationships are never easy. But, you need to figure it out! You DO NOT love your child more, and you aren’t the better parent. You are not helping your child by keeping them from half of their family, I don’t care what your lame, self-centered excuse is. We all have our good qualities, and we all have our problems. Perfectly imperfect. And, when YOU choose to fight and withhold your child, this is bringing out the worst in YOU anyway, so then your child has no positive role model in their life at all.

Learning about what my ex went through during the alienation and learning what a great father he was, was devastating to me. Simply because I couldn’t get past “my issues” and figure out how to communicate, I had to learn after his death what a great man he was and how much pain I caused him and our daughter. Don’t wait until you’re in my shoes and all you’re left with is thinking “I wish I could have the chance to do things differently.” There’s only one reasonable excuse for you to say “I can’t make things better TODAY” … and that is when death takes that opportunity from us. Everyone else, you have absolutely NO excuse.

Source: https://www.timetoputkidsfirst.org/i-would-give-anything-to-go-back

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I control my four year old's anger/awful behavior at home?

Helping a young child with behavior issues can be difficult and stressful. It is important to keep in perspective that anger is an expressive emotion for the child and it is not wrong to be angry.

 

Emotions, of course, are our expression and reaction to our surroundings and environment and that is completely normal and expected. A child’s expression of anger is typically how they express sadness and frustration.

I find that The Child Development Institute has a great article on how to understand and approach helping a child to express and cope with anger and frustration feelings.

Here is a great bullet point or checklist to consider when addressing an angry and/or upset child:

• Catch the child being good.
• Deliberately ignore “the behavior,” not the child that can be tolerated.
• Provide physical outlets and other alternatives.
• Manipulate the surroundings, substitute the “problem activity(ies).
• Use closeness and touching, even a soft voice and calming tone.
• Be ready to show affection (if psychologically appropriate.)
• Ease tension through humor.
• Appeal directly to the child. Express your feelings and kneel down at their level.
• Explain situations, especially the one causing the stress.
• Use physical restraint (when appropriate) and/or remove child from environment.
• Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses.
• Use promises and rewards, not bribery. (I’d stay away from food or candy rewards)
• Say “No!” Establish limits and boundaries children can function freely within.
• Tell the child that you accept his/her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for expressing them.
• Build a positive self-image.
• Use punishment cautiosly (never physical.)
• Model appropriate behavior.
• Teach children to express themselves verbally.

Click on the link below for the full article and more on this topic.

Overcome Anger Issues In Children & Take Back Your Family!

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I control my four year old's anger/awful behavior at home?

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

How can I learn to open up to my parents? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Hi Sugat,

Thanks for allowing me to address your question.

It sounds like you and your parents can use a little help with compassionate communication skills. Even if your parents are not completely dedicated or interested in developing better communication skills, you can fully embrace the idea and work on getting in touch with your compassionate communication.

I think you’ll find that once you begin to develop compassionate communication you’ll find that the ADHD, anxiety and depressive “pathologies” may diminish.

I’d like to suggest that you read Dr. Marshal B Rotenburgs book Nonviolent Communication.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Deepak Chopra. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The books preface includes:

An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.

The book also comes with a companion workbook, (I have not read through this yet).

Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook, 2nd Edition: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Lucy Leu. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

You read and work through this material with or without your parents. It will also compliment any therapy or professional visits you currently attend or plan to attend.

This book was suggested to me to better get in touch with the more challenging people with which I have to communicate and have relationships. I’ve found that many times the frustrations, anger or depression is due to being unable to affectively communicate our wants and needs. Therefore, what happens is our needs and wants are not being met and our inners person and our relationships suffer.

At the very least, read the sample you can view on Amazon and/or on your Kindle.

I hope that this idea helps and interests you. The book is a very good read and I believe that we can all benefit from approaching all our life’s challenges (even the most difficult) with a positive perspective and desire for a positive solution and outcome.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

Why was Crystal Mangum, in the Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted for false allegations and lying?

Why was Crystal Mangum, the lying accuser in the false Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

False allegations of rape, molestation or inappropriate conduct are very easy claims to make and very difficult to disprove. Further, almost all false accusers go unpunished because the prosecution fails to file charges against the illegal acts. This further promotes more false accusation because the false accuser knows it is highly unlikely they will be prosecuted for their lies.

In contrast, most prosecutors don’t want to file charges against false accusations of sexual abuse or physical abuse. They claim it would, “set a precedence for victims not to come forward.”

Take a look at this article:

A Skeptic Reads the Newspaper: The Anatomy of False Accusations: A Skeptical Case Study - Center for Inquiry

You’ll find it reads to inform us about the anatomy of false allegations and the chilling consequences of an indifferent accuser. It highlights the behavior pattern and mental state found in most false accusers. The accuser never really considers the severe consequences of their actions and the pandoras box of hysteria that follows. There is clear pathology and behavior patterns that suggest weak moral compass in these accusers.

Probably the most difficult prospect facing a false accuser is not that they will be caught in a lie, it’s admitting they are wrong and misrepresented the truth. The false accuser is typically showered with attention, sympathy, support and financial gain. Family and friends rally behind them and the snowball effect of showering the victim(s) with support services and the financial backing of the justice sytem reinforce the false accusers need to hide the lie.

It is very easy to destroy someone with false allegations. It has become a defense strategy and weapon in relationships, marriages and custody battles. The most important factor in these allegations is an unbiased, well educated and thorough investigation like the one in the article above. Unfortunetely, most investigations are not conducted properly. They are conducted with a bias for the accusor(s), many times with untrained investigators or botched investigations. Much like the Duke case, you’ll find an overzealous prosecutor seeking attention and/or votes and playing to the “tough on crime” mantra and putting all accussed of sex crimes, innocent or not, “behind bars.”

There is a movement towards accountability and prosecution of these false accusers. I believe their should be accountability and checks-and-balances that are enforced. False allegations destroy lives, make victims of us all and drains our legal system of investigating real crimes. We should all be well informed and rational when it comes to these serious topics.

Thomas Zerbarini

Why was Crystal Mangum, the lying accuser in the false Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted?

My answer to How do I deal with accidental pregnancy and unexpected fatherhood? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Embrace it and enjoy the ride. It will be hard, it will be challenging and it will be rewarding too.

Don’t give up on your goals and dreams and your education. Especially, don’t give up on being involved with your baby and the mother. You must have interest and care for the mother, continue to work on that. There are support groups and resources available for new parents to take advantage of and help process the life changing event.

[caption id="attachment_704" align="alignnone" width="225"] Daddy's Love their Babies![/caption]

Ask for help! Be positive! Strive to be a good Father.

Search the internet for new Dad, Parent support groups.

Here’s a great article on how much a fathers involvement in a childs pregnancy, delivery and upbringing tremendously increases the outcome and success of the child, mother and father tremendously:

Working Dad: Do dads really need support groups?

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I deal with accidental pregnancy and unexpected fatherhood?

How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to wear a girls costume for Halloween?

My answer to How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to be a Rainbow Dash fairy princess for Halloween? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Well, if he has his heart set on that costume and completely understands that others may laugh and snicker, I think that’s GREAT! If it makes him happy and creative that is a great reason to support his decision.

I personally would get dressed up in my costume and wear it when dropping him off and picking him up at school. I’d probably dress up as a superhero like superman or maybe a minion or maybe Megamind...

Have fun with that one and enjoy Halloween.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to be a Rainbow Dash fairy princess for Halloween?

Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?

Answer by Karpagavalli Krishnan:

Unfortunately such mothers do exist.

My friend Kala was the youngest and the only daughter in their home. She arrived quite late in the family, an unplanned surprise.

Kala shared a very special bond with her father, like a lot of girls do. They go out together on hot evenings to have ice creams and for movies on the weekend. He helped her with her Maths and Physics and knew all her friends. Personally, I had huge admiration for the man.

She was her father’s favorite and that caused a lot of jealousy.

Her mother would insist that she sits in the middle seat whenever they go for movies and would want to give inputs during her lessons. It got worse when she grew up as her mother would dictate what she should wear and how she should behave with her father. Innocent hugs and pecks on cheeks were not as innocent anymore.

Her mother would sulk and act passive aggressive in her presence and refused to attend any events that involved her. That means her father would come for her recitations, sports day, report card day and others, while her mother sulk at home.

It made her feel apprehensive whenever she was around her parents. It felt like walking on thin ice. She was careful of what she’d spoke to her father in front of her and would limit her physical gestures.

Even long after her father’s demise, her mother accuses her for stealing her father away from her in a very subtle manner. She’d say things like how her father missed their anniversary celebration because it was her concert night, how her valentines gifts had become smaller because he has to buy something for both of them now.

All conversations about her late father with her mother seemed to go back to one place and time : how intimate they had been before her. The places they had honeymooned and all the romantic things he did for her before Kala was born.

She often tell me these stories of how she believes her mother is jealous of their father daughter relationship. At the beginning it sounds quite petty and I’d often recommend things like “invite your mother to come/join, she feels lonely”, but later I realized it’s not so petty anymore. It’s absurd and a sad thing, that a 45 years old mother says things like “No woman should touch my husband” to her own daughter.

Due to this, Kala and her mother was never on good terms. They tolerated each other for sake of their father and when he died, they just headed different path.

It was good for Kala though that they are no longer on talking terms, nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?

Managing Money, Commitment and Exceptions for our teens.

My answer to How do I get my parents to stop promising me money? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

First of all, you can never expect to “get” someone to stop or start doing something. You’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t expect the money at all.

I would recommend you look for ways to earn money like getting a job, mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc… Don’t sacrifice school for a job though. Be sure to keep up with your school work and doing your best.

Don’t make commitments you can’t keep, especially when the commitment depends upon someone else.

These are good lessons for life, commitments and being dependable. They are also excellent traits of successful entrepreneurs. I would recommend you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki.

You can get the book on iTunes or Amazon Kindle.

Just read the first two chapters and you’ll see why…I bet you’ll read the whole thing.

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I get my parents to stop promising me money?

I was adopted as a young child. Where do I start to find my birth mother?

Answer by

Thomas Zerbarini:

I would start with asking your current parents, if that’s possible, to help you. Then reach out to the adoption agency and ask them for assistance. many times there is a contact and/or “do not contact” request from the biological parents. The adoption agency may be able to contact the biological parents and find out if they want contact with their biological child.

I would suggest you consider going forward on this with a trusted support structure just in case this becomes an emotionally difficult process for you.

Thomas Zerbarini

I was adopted as a young child. Where do I start to find my birth mother?

My 15-year-old boy sneaks out of the house. What can I do?

My answer to My 15-year-old boy sneaks out of the house. What can I do? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

15 year old kids crave independence and freedom. They need and want to learn some things on their own.

Consider your statement of “a strict household.” I completely support good discipline, establishing rules and boundaries for children. As our kids get older they need more freedom to express and explore and learn.

I like the way Dr Julie Carbery put it in the article on Family Life,

Enter Dr. Julie Carbery, an adolescent and child psychotherapist, who has seen and heard it all in her twelve years of family practice. "What's going on is freedom. Freedom is cocaine to a teenager. It's intoxicating. It's addictive. And it is often their biggest motivator. They will do anything to get it, and they are terrified of losing it."

This article has great input and advice on managing teen freedom and building trust with your teen.

Freedom The Teen Addiction

Further, a great article on Positive Parenting Your Teen give a good broad spectrum of points to consider as you shift from young child to Tween/Teen parenting skills.

Parenting tweens can be a challenge. Here's how to stay connected.

I’d like to add that listening, patience, non-verbal gestures of Love, and consistency with your growing and changing children is so important. I’d consider them the foundation to good parenting.

Thanks for the opportunity to share and comment.

Thomas Zerbarini

My 15-year-old boy sneaks out of the house. What can I do?

Which one plays a critical role in determining children 's personality? Congenital cause or the way of parenting?

I believe that it is both congenital and parenting that play critical roles in determining personality.

I've discovered that good parenting significantly shapes the personality and behavior of children and can overcome many congenital behaviors.

Children learn how to behave, what is acceptable, what to say and do, adults and parents are significant contributors to child memory, perceptions and behaviors. What surprises me is that peer pressure, even at the toddler age appears to have more influence on what our children say and do and how they behave.

Also, we all perceive things differently and different experiences to draw upon. Even a group or family experiencing the same event will have similar but differing recollections of the same event. There inlays the core of why I believe our personalities are so different.

I find that this website is a good start on understanding and discovering the theories on personality development.

What Factors Affect Personality Development in Childhood?

Thomas Zerbarini

Which one plays a critical role in determining children 's personality? Congenital cause or the way of parenting?

What can be said of a parent who does not admit fault or mistakes to their child?

The most obvious problem with an adult not admitting to their faults or mistakes teaches children to be dishonest with others. That it is okay to lie and to be deceitful. It also teaches a child that if you make a mistake, hide it and don't admit it. this invariably results in not learning from their mistakes and looking at the mistake as a failure and reflection on their self esteem.

So, it is important to own up to your mistakes and errors and communicate with our children that:

1. you made a mistake or error
2. apologize if appropriate
3. what you should have done
4. how to correct the mistake
5. finally, what you learned from the mistake and how you will avoid doing it again.

This teaches children honesty and integrity to oneself and others. It teaches a child how to identify their mistakes and how to learn from them. It teaches a child how to build strong relationships with others. It also, builds self esteem and self confidence because the child is less afraid to express themselves even when it involves a mistake or some possible negative issue.

I hope that helps. This is just my way and thinking and what I do with my children.

You have to remember that children are so impressionable and malleable and they learn so much from their parent(s) and other adults around them. They pick up whatever they are surrounded with positive and/or negative.

Thomas Zerbarini

 What can be said of a parent who does not admit fault or mistakes to their child?

Why Daughters Need Their Dads

Why Daughters Need Their Dads

I wholeheartedly agree. Positive in, positive out. Garbage in, garbage out. It applies to boys as well. 

Parenting is such huge responsibility that shapes the minds, perceptions, behaviors and futures of our children. Environment is everything. Place a child in a loving nurturing environment with good ethics and morals, the child is most likely to be balanced, positive, loving and successful.

What if we placed a child in the opposite environment?

Consider the affects on a child(ren) that is torn away from their father or mother and surrounded by anger, shame, negativity, sly comments and many other negative stereotyping suggestions about the other parent. Imagine the confusion and conflict that will rage in the hearts and minds of these fragile children.

Eventually, the child will default into survival mode and align with the environment by which they are surrounded. If it's the negative environment, they will eventually act and believe the negativity they are surrounded by. If it's positive, well, you get the idea.

Our minds are incredibly fragile and malleable, especially children. They will believe whatever they are told, or influenced. To surround them with negativity especially when it comes to another loved one can be considered abusive.

So, why would we do anything but surround them with immense love and positive parenting?

Thomas Zerbarini

Why is parenting rewarding?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

 I can't say it's rewarding for all. It is certainly rewarding for me.

 I had no idea if I would be a good parent, it was a scary thought. It just happened in my heart for me when my first son was born that I wanted to be the best father and daddy. That feeling was more galvanized for each child thereafter.

 I find that there are many things that are rewarding. For me I notice that if I show my children compassion, joy and love all the time their hearts and minds will blossom. I do my best to interact with my children constantly with love, respect, patience, discipline and structure. Emphasizing having fun and enjoying one another as much as possible. Now it's not perfect all the time and there will be a need for timeouts and sending them to their rooms.

 What  I have found is that my children are very happy, well adjusted, funny, playful, outgoing and most of all have a deep love for one another and for their parents. The joy and excitement I see on my kids faces when I walk in the room at school, come home from a trip or picking them up from camp is just one of the most heartwarming rewards of parenting.

 There are so many "firsts" and ongoing rewards that are too many to put on paper. Here are just a few:

• Watching them sleep,
• Their first words and steps,
• Their first taste of a lemon,
• Their first day at school,
• The first time they hit a baseball,
• Their first friend,
• The first time they say they love you,
• the first deep hug you get,
• their first halloween costume,
• Their first Christmas when the realize what Santa does,
• Their first book they read,
• The first time they go down a slide or swing on a swing,
• The conversations you have with your kids as they get more and more of their own independent thoughts,
• And, so much more...

Simply, the Love in my children's eyes and the things they say is moving. The way they fight over who sits next to me at the dinner table and that they make me promise to give them a kiss goodbye while they are sleeping when I have to leave in the early in the morning for work is incredibly touching.

 Thanks for the question, it is so nice to talk about and share these beautiful moments in my life with others.

 Thomas Zerbarini

  Why is parenting rewarding?

How can a kind child stand up against a bossy kid who obliges the child to play exclusively with them?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

This sounds like indirect bullying to me. It sounds like the controlling child has not been taught to include others and is not comfortable around others.

If it were my child, I would talk to them about what a good friend means and what a not good friend means.

I would talk about how important it is to have more than one friend. To interact, play and share with others is a good thing and nobody should make you feel bad about that.

I would emphasize that it is important to include others and be friendly to others, especially those that are alone, shy, single out, teased, etc... Nobody wants to be left out and being left out hurts feelings.

I'll also explain that it is okay to have one on one time with a friend, but not all the time. You should spend time one on one with other children to build your friendships.

Children and friends can be a difficult thing to navigate sometimes. Kids can be mean to each other one day and best friends the next. I have had talks with my kids about that very issue. I simply said that they can share their feelings with their friends when they are being mean and say that you need to take a time out from your friendship for a little while. Amazingly, it worked and my kids handled it incredibly well. To help, I would spend a little special time doing some activity with them and even helped them call and set up play dates with their other friends.

I think the most important thing is to teach our children that a bossy friend is not good behavior and maybe not a good friend.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can a kind child stand up against a bossy kid who obliges the child to play exclusively with them?

What was the best advice that your parents had given you?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

This is what my parents shared with me that I remember and credit their advice both directly and indirectly.

• If you have a hard time saying you Love someone, show them you Love them with your actions.
• Be honest with yourself and others--always.
• Share your feelings, don't bottle them up inside
• Talk and be open and honest with others, (an honest person talks in detail, a dishonest person avoids conversation and lacks detail)
• Make eye contact, (the eyes are the window to the soul)
• Never, never leave your wingman (take care of your family and friends)
• Stand up for others; help those that are bullied, teased, lonely, struggling, afraid, hurt, etc...
• Finish what you start
• Clean your room

My father always had a lot to say and a lot of advice and direction to offer. My mother was quiet and didn't say much. I learned a lot from both of them. Learning was a choice for me to listen and watch from my parents and others. I left behind the bad advice and habits I observed and kept and good advice and teachings that I could use to try and be a better person.

Thanks for the question. It's nice to remember and ponder what I learned from my parents. It feels good to give credit where credit is due.

Thomas Zerbarini

What was the best advice that your parents had given you?

I am a full time working father of a 1-year-old girl and 3-year-old son. Recently, my 3-year-old-son has been telling me he doesn't love...

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Miles,
You have some great feedback to your question here. I would simply add my observation with my children.

Children at that age are exploring how their behavior will affect others and ultimately get their needs and/or wants met. They are learning the cause and effect as it relates to their behavior. Children innately want to please their parents and other adults and conform to the expectations placed upon them.

Children have a tendency to test the waters of how parents, siblings, other kids and the world respond to what they say and how they act. If the child receives a heightened response or reaction to what they are saying they will likely repeat the action again and again.

When a child's needs or wants are not being met they will tend to act out in ways they have learned or observed For example: I hate being late, I hate onions, I hate that person, etc... What I believe you are experiencing is your child's way of communicating his anger or frustration.

Becky Bailey, a developmental Psychologist has a great opinion:

How should I respond when my child says "I hate you"

At this age, a child isn't wishy-washy about her feelings. She feels one emotion at a time, and it's all-encompassing. It's why she's happy with a passion or angry with a vengeance. So when things are good, they're very good, and your preschooler adores you. But when things don't go her way, she feels that life is bad, that you're bad — and that she hates you.

Though you may be tempted to, avoid responding to your child's "I hate you!" with "Well, I love you." This will only shame her. And saying, "You know you love Mommy," or "There's no reason to get so upset!" belittles her very real feelings.

Remember that your child is still learning to manage her emotions. She needs help expressing her feelings, and her way of asking for help is to play a kind of emotional charade game: She acts out her feelings, and it's up to you to figure out what she's getting at and how to help her. The best way to do this is to name and acknowledge her emotions without judging them. Show her — without mocking — what her balled fists, scrunched face, and assertive stance look like. Then name the emotions for her: "I can tell from the way you're acting that you feel angry. You seem frustrated that you can't get that dress on your doll." If she nods in agreement, follow up with, "That's very upsetting!"

Next, help her voice her feelings in a more appropriate way: "When you feel this way, use your words to tell me, 'I feel angry. Please help.' " Finally, help your child see her options. "You could ask Mommy to dress the doll," you might suggest, or "We could put away the doll for a little while and read a book together." Giving choices is also helpful when your child lashes out because she can't have something she wants: "Cookies are for after lunch; you may have some grapes or a banana this morning."

Although your child's verbal assaults can be hurtful, do your best not to take them personally. After all, she's merely copying what she's seen you and others do in many situations — that is, translating a strong emotion into a simple word: "I hate waiting for the bus!" or "I hate it when the phone rings during dinner!" for example. Most important, remind yourself that your preschooler's behavior is normal, and in no way indicates how she really feels about you.

A similar yet slight dissenting option comes from Dr. Sal Severe:

When Your Child Says "I Hate You!"

You know you're going to get some fussing and complaining when you tell your kid to turn off the TV or video games, but then one day she lets loose with "I hate you!" Whoa! Why has your sweet child suddenly turned on you--and what should you do to get her to stop the mean language?
"Don't take it personally," says Sal Severe, Ph.D., author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! Kids use inflammatory language like this when they're genuinely upset but don't have the tools to express themselves precisely. "Your six-year-old isn't able to say 'I feel frustrated and angry because you won't let me watch my television program.'" To put it simply, she wants you to know she's mad. Severe's advice: Acknowledge her anger calmly, but stand your ground. "Say 'I'm sorry you hate me, because I love you very much.' Then add, 'It's okay that you're angry, but you still have to turn off the TV.'" You can mention that everyone gets upset occasionally, but it's not all right to take it out on someone else.
If your child declares she hates you when you discipline her, don't up the ante: "You're teaching her that she can push your buttons, and this gives her too much emotional control," Severe says. You want to remain calm to show her that you're the one in complete command of the situation. Also resist the urge to tell her in the middle of a screaming fit that she doesn't really mean "hate"--this will demonstrate that her word choice has power and she'll use it again and again. Later, when things have settled down, you might explain that "I'm angry" or "I'm disappointed" are better alternatives.

How you ultimately interpret your child's behavior depends completely on understanding all the facts and background of what your dealing with. I hope this helps get you closer to that understanding.  At this age children have simple responses or expressions and they tend to repeat what they've heard, learned by observing their parents, siblings and surroundings so far in their short lives.

Thomas Zerbarini

I am a full time working father of a 1-year-old girl and 3-year-old son.  Recently, my 3-year-old-son has been telling me he doesn't love...

If a parent constantly overrules the other parent's rules, what effect does this have on children?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

If a parent constantly overrules the other parent's in rules, discipline,  general acceptable behavior, etc... you have a recipe for a disastrous and disrespectful family unit.

If the parents do not respect each other, especially in front of their children, you are teaching the child to also disrespect the parents. This can also set up the behavior pattern for the child to disrespect the babysitter, teachers, group leaders and so on.

Parents will do this consciously or subconsciously to control the environment, establish authority over others, or use as a passive aggressive tool against the other parent. It leads to fighting and all parents should Stop Fighting In Front of the Kids.

Parents also use it during divorce to alienate the other parent and turn children against the other parent.

There are some great resources out there to help with this and similar situations. Most of what you will find out there talks about co-parenting in divorce; but, the techniques can be used to help a marriage and communicate better. Even Dr Phil has some great advice with Do's and Don'ts Co-Parenting with Your Ex:

As hard as it may be, sit down with your ex and make a commitment to set boundaries about your new relationship as co-parents.

Don'ts:

• Never sabotage your child's relationship with the other parent.
• Never use your child as a pawn to get back at or hurt your ex.
• Never use your child to gain information or to manipulate and influence your ex.
• Never transfer hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your child.
• Never force your child to choose a side when there's a conflict in scheduling or another planning challenge.
• Never turn family events into pressure cookers.
• Never depend too much on your child for companionship and support because you're hurt and lonely.
• Never treat your child like an adult because you're lonely or just want help.
• Never become so emotionally needy that your child develops feelings of guilt if he or she spends time with others.
• Never convert guilt into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child's material desires.

There are two important rules concerning children during times of crisis and instability in your family:

1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

Dos:

• Commit to learn, adopt and apply all the principles set forth in Family First.
• Sit down with your ex and make an affirmative plan that sets aside any differences you may have and focuses instead on meeting the needs of your children.
• Agree with your ex that you absolutely won't disparage each other to your children. Further, forbid your children to speak disrespectfully about the other parent, even though it may be music to your ears.
• Negotiate and agree on how you can best handle such things as handing off the children for visitation, holidays, or events.
• Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time.
• Negotiate and agree on the role extended family members will play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge.
• Communicate actively with your ex about all aspects of your child's development.
• Recognize that children are prone to testing a situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain.
• Compare notes with your ex before jumping to conclusions or condemning one another about what may have happened.
• Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your ex keep each other informed about changes in your life circumstances so that the child is never, ever the primary source of information.
• Commit to conducting yourself with emotional integrity.
  

Focus your efforts on what your children need most during this difficult time: acceptance, assurance of safety, freedom from guilt or blame for their parents' break up, structure, a stable parent who has the strength to conduct business and the ability to just be a kid.

For more, read Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies or pick up your copy of Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family.

Also, check out Effective Co-Parenting, Part Two for great guidelines for cooperation in a marriage or divorce.

Thomas Zerbarini

If a parent constantly overrules the other parent's rules, what effect does this have on children?

How can I expose my 6 year old to those who are significantly less fortunate without creating fear or putting him in danger? He already s...

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

This can be a very tough question to answer. There are so many variable that play into a child's behavior. I would suggest working on his sense of entitlement and expectations.

We are clearly in an age of entitlement and our children are growing up in it.  Here's a great article from Grand Parents .com that looks at and give fantastic strategies at handling children's expectations.

How to Manage Kids' Expectations - In an Age of Entitlement

My favorite strategy is the gift giving strategy. I feel very strongly that gifts should be surprises and not simply a result of child's request, especially if the child is pestering or demanding the gift. Of course we want to give our kids what they want; but, a surprise fulfillment means so much more. I'll also wait for a big accomplishment in school or change in behavior to give those gifts.

My second thought is to develop the child's generosity in sharing. Not to give it all away, just to give and be nice to those who have less. Couple this with volunteer work from time to time like food drives for church/boy scouts, toys for tots, veteran monument cleanups, Make a Wish, Canines for Kids, etc...

There are so may great non-profit groups that kids could get involved with at any age to help raise funds or just spend time with other less fortunate children.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I expose my 6 year old to those who are significantly less fortunate without creating fear or putting him in danger? He already s...