It's Never Too Late to Make a Change

This heartfelt story from an alienator that lost the most precious things in her life is a powerful message. She identifies the source of her own personal motivation: she believes she is right and justified in her behavior. She only "see's and listens to" things and people that support her beliefs. Once down that rabbit hole Alice, it's hard to see and hear the facts and truth. It's hard to come back to reality, though its not impossible.

It's never too late to step back, look at the big picture and listen to your heart and the good intensions and Love from the other parent. If the alienated parent is honorably fighting to see their children, you better believe they LOVE those kids just as much as you do and has their best interest in their hear and mind.

This article is worth the read for anyone involved in alienating children from another parent.
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I Would Give Anything to Go Back

(Not the actual author, in order to protect her identity)
Author: A grieving mother
Editor: Ben Willaims
Date: 4/19/2016 (Re-post)

I saw you guys in the Huffington Post, and I wanted to share my story so you can share this with every single parent you possibly can. I’m no role model, but my message is important. There isn’t much that angers me anymore, except when two parents can’t set their differences aside and do what is best for THEIR child. I’ll be blunt. I was an "alienator". I played the whole ‘false allegations’, and ‘he did this’, ‘he did that’ game, which was encouraged by my lawyer.

I DID think that she was more “mine” than she was “his” because I loved her so very much. I wanted to mold her into what I wanted her to be. I didn’t think there was anyone who could care for her or love her like I could. I can’t tell you why I thought that or what could have changed my mind back then. But, because of MY selfish actions, I lost custody of my precious baby girl when she was 6. This is why your story in the news really hit home with me. It brought me to tears for everyone involved. I was so caught up in bitterness and being right, that I stopped seeing my little girl. I hated my ex so much, and I hated that he “won” even more. I cried every single day. And, I had to play the victim. Pity from others was the only thing bringing me comfort at that time. It’s behavior that, now, is hard for me to even comprehend. I don’t think I’m a bad person? At least, I certainly never intended to be.

It had been almost 5 months since I had seen my little girl when she and her Dad were hit by a semi truck. She was 7. I died that day too. Even then, I tried to blame him for it. Initially at least. I needed someone to blame. Now, I struggle daily to not blame myself. Obviously, I’m not saying that my little girl and her Dad would still be here today if I had done things differently, …but when they were hit, they were on their way to see her Counselor… no doubt, it was counseling needed because of MY actions. So, that is tough for me to swallow.

PARENTS, life is so short! And it can be taken in an instant! Life is never easy, and relationships are never easy. But, you need to figure it out! You DO NOT love your child more, and you aren’t the better parent. You are not helping your child by keeping them from half of their family, I don’t care what your lame, self-centered excuse is. We all have our good qualities, and we all have our problems. Perfectly imperfect. And, when YOU choose to fight and withhold your child, this is bringing out the worst in YOU anyway, so then your child has no positive role model in their life at all.

Learning about what my ex went through during the alienation and learning what a great father he was, was devastating to me. Simply because I couldn’t get past “my issues” and figure out how to communicate, I had to learn after his death what a great man he was and how much pain I caused him and our daughter. Don’t wait until you’re in my shoes and all you’re left with is thinking “I wish I could have the chance to do things differently.” There’s only one reasonable excuse for you to say “I can’t make things better TODAY” … and that is when death takes that opportunity from us. Everyone else, you have absolutely NO excuse.

Source: https://www.timetoputkidsfirst.org/i-would-give-anything-to-go-back

Thomas Zerbarini

What's your opinion on United Airlines forcing a passenger to give up his seat?

What's your opinion on United Airlines forcing a passenger to give up his seat?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Unfortunately, it's an airline industry practice. You'll notice that the airlines with the cheaper fare structures bump the most passengers because the have to push full capacity on the airplane to make up for the lower fares.

Every flight has a history of passenger "no shows." To avoid significant lost revenue the airline tracks flights and determines the average number of passengers that do not show up for the flight. The airline will then consider overbooking seats equevalant to the average no-show amount to fill the airplane. The alternative is non-refundable tickets if you "no show" for your flight. Even if your late and just miss your flight.

Airlines often oversell flights, end up bumping passengers

I wonder if the airlines will come up with a better way to handle this. Maybe better statistical analysis, designating bump rate tickets, standby tickets, more high price refundable tickets and/or less cheap seats.

As far as the behavior by the passenger and the airport security officer, I believe the behavior was deplorable. It should not have escalated this far. The passenger should have never been boarded in the first place if there was a chance of him or anyone getting bumped. This is a customer service problem that became a security and safety problem that the Captain and crew had to consider.

Since the matter escalated and the passenger refused to follow crew instructions and became adamant in refusing to deplane and cooperate, the passenger has to be considered a safety/security risk for the flight by the Captain.

As captain and crew we absolutely hate these situations. When possible mistakes or poor customer service, weather delays, maintenance delays, over-bookings etc… happen, it can escalate passenger stress and frustrations. I’m certain this incident will be investigated thoroughly and new protocols and staff training will be put in place to mitigate these escalations in the future and hopefully handle over-bookings more efficiently.

Thomas Zerbarini

What's your opinion on United Airlines forcing a passenger to give up his seat?

We should be Living for Giving to each other.

I think Tim is experiencing, in a way, what I have experienced these last few years.



My plight is a little more dramatic than Tim's; but, what I'm learning is essentially the same.



I have experienced betrayal, loss, anguish and uncertainty. Instead of lashing out and losing myself to sadness, I've chosen to embrace and learn more from myself and how and why people live and act the way they do. I want to understand people and our relationships. Even in great despair, war, family loss there is always the ability to find Joy and happiness in our hearts and not succumb to hate and anger. It's more uplifting to smile and help someone, be kind and considerate.



I've found that those whom have lost so much or have little for themselves tend to be the first to give, help and lift other up.



Keep going Tim. It's uplifting to see more positive "giving" stories about how we help each other.

This is a question for Thomas Zerbarini, and anyone else with his sort of knowledge. But recently I have been reading that the new concept of wing design is not forward sweep at all but rather a morphing wing that bends and twists the wings which is what the Wright brothers first aircraft actuall did (funny how we’re looking at old ideas only to find they may be better!). Any thoughts on this?

Hi Fred,

Great points.

Old ideas, better yet nature, are great sources for engineering ideas.

Forward swept is a fairly old concept. The main purpose was to explore the use of “instability” as a practical method of achieving superior maneuverability.

When considering designs and their applications, engineers and the bean counters weigh the pros and cons of the feasibility of the design. As you can imagine politics and salesmenship are a big influence too.

As for the morphing wing, I’m intrigued MIT concept and design. It looks promising. The weight advantages and aerodynamic advantages stick out as the driving force behind the success of the morphing wing. the initial concerns I have at first would be how and where would the fuel be stored in that wing? Also, How strong are the connections with the small structures that make up the internal sections of the wing? I’m looking forward to reading more about this MIT design development.



I also found another NASA tested design using a Gulfstream GIII for trailing edge flaps. this single application would most likely be the first application of a morphing wing. The weight savings and aerodynamic efficiency gain from this application would ease manufacturers, pilots and public into the innovative design.


If the morphing wing can be engineered as a sound and safe design application, it will revolutionize aviation much like the jet engine.

Thomas E Zerbarini

How do I control my four year old's anger/awful behavior at home?

Helping a young child with behavior issues can be difficult and stressful. It is important to keep in perspective that anger is an expressive emotion for the child and it is not wrong to be angry.

 

Emotions, of course, are our expression and reaction to our surroundings and environment and that is completely normal and expected. A child’s expression of anger is typically how they express sadness and frustration.

I find that The Child Development Institute has a great article on how to understand and approach helping a child to express and cope with anger and frustration feelings.

Here is a great bullet point or checklist to consider when addressing an angry and/or upset child:

• Catch the child being good.
• Deliberately ignore “the behavior,” not the child that can be tolerated.
• Provide physical outlets and other alternatives.
• Manipulate the surroundings, substitute the “problem activity(ies).
• Use closeness and touching, even a soft voice and calming tone.
• Be ready to show affection (if psychologically appropriate.)
• Ease tension through humor.
• Appeal directly to the child. Express your feelings and kneel down at their level.
• Explain situations, especially the one causing the stress.
• Use physical restraint (when appropriate) and/or remove child from environment.
• Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses.
• Use promises and rewards, not bribery. (I’d stay away from food or candy rewards)
• Say “No!” Establish limits and boundaries children can function freely within.
• Tell the child that you accept his/her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for expressing them.
• Build a positive self-image.
• Use punishment cautiosly (never physical.)
• Model appropriate behavior.
• Teach children to express themselves verbally.

Click on the link below for the full article and more on this topic.

Overcome Anger Issues In Children & Take Back Your Family!

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I control my four year old's anger/awful behavior at home?

Don't be so quick to judgment!

In many high profile industries like sports, aviation and alike there is magnetic appeal to report in the media disparaging blame and judgement of fault or guilt upon the key players, pilots or accused in the matter at question. After all, where's the news unless you can hang someone right?

Well, a pilot in a recent aviation incident felt compelled to voice his dissent in the media, and societies quickness to accuse him as the failure or at fault for the incident/accident that ensued.

Aviation is a strange profession. I love it to death, but the strange part is that if I meet my end in my line of work, it's most likely that I'll be blamed.

I'll be blamed long before any proof is brought forward. I'll be blamed by the media, by the people. I'll be blamed by the passengers if they survive. In a week the data recorders will be analysed and then maybe they'll find that it's not my fault. That I fought for hope amidst hopelessness till my dying breath.

Sadly that won't make as good a headline as much as "pilot error", or "pilot veers off runway when aligning for takeoff".

In fact, it was nothing to do with aligning that brought this ill-fated crew to a halt just short the peripheral wall at Dabolim yesterday (December 27).

How I wish I could explain concepts of asymmetric thrust to the number of people passing silent judgment and being armchair jurors. How do I tell someone about how much thrust 27,000 odd pounds is? How do I reiterate what a reverser unlock is? How do I tell the person that the same 27,000 pounds is now in an opposite direction?

Most of the crowd probably doesn't even know what a moment arm or a couple is. They dropped physics in 8th grade as it was too complex. That said, they blame the human machine who earns his bread and butter, putting into practice what they felt was too complicated.

Jet Airways Goa-Mumbai flight, which skid off the runway on December 27.

To be honest it's disgusting - flying this kind of passenger and taking responsibility for his life for however long it may be.

How do I explain not being able to see three taxiway lights in front of me to a crowd that says, "anyway you autoland in fog"? How?

It's at the brink of frustration that I'm writing this. Back in the day, an old grey instructor told me, "Son, in this world of civil aviation, its best to be a nameless faceless pilot who does his job and goes home!"

I probably didn't understand it then but now, more than ever, I totally understand. The sad part is it doesn't matter if it is a Cactus 1511 with Sully or the 9W aircraft.

Sadly, with technology improving in the home and workplace, the human has become the weak link. Sometimes one must note that the human is the strongest link. Without them shutting down the malfunctioning engine, the plane might have gone into the terminal, increasing the statistics of loss of life

As an appeal to the non-aviation public, believe that we as pilots love what we do and would never put anyone's life in jeopardy. We are sons, daughters, wives, husbands, parents, just like you. We haven't fallen from the realm of Asgard into the helm of these metal ships. It takes years of hard work to achieve it.

Media folk, this is an appeal to you: It's you who have sensationalised our profession with scandals, malpractices, and so on. Paint the right picture of pilots worldwide. Tell people that we are there to save lives, not take them. Make an honest effort to redeem your name when you're standing at heaven's gates, or you'll probably have the boatman remove you from the boat.

Educate the masses - who you manipulate to get more views - to the actual facts of thrust, lift, weight and drag. Tell them, from start to finish, what happens from takeoff to touchdown.

Do tell them that when they see the wind looping out of the window and the tip moving, there is a hand guiding this giant metal bird through the skies.

Stop judging: Pilot of Jet Airways Goa runway crash writes a strong letter

 We see this same quickness to judge in many high profile or sensitive emotional subject including false rap, assault or sexual abuse that can quickly cause hysterical responses to further inflame the false accusation and sensations the rumors, gossip and worst of all press and public opinion.

As a professional pilot and parent of four young children, I witness these types of allegations and false opinions placed upon my peers all the time and its immensely frustrating. Eventually we can get the truth uncovered and the facts laid out for all to see. The damage has been done already, in most cases, when false allegations and disparaging claims are made in knee-jerk haste to capitalize on the media impact or personal attack.

It usually takes years to repair the damage caused by these unsubstantiated quick judgements. Just imagine the irreparable harm it causes to young children as well if they are involved in the blame and shame somehow in domestic situations.

I think this pilots appeals are sound. I believe its a good message and should be expanded towards all areas that require un-biased investigative work and science based facts and findings to get to the real truth(s) before passing judgements. Especially in high profile cases where the media can easily get into the weeds.

Thomas Zerbarini

Also see: Why was Crystal Mangum, in the Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted for false allegations and lying?

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

How can I learn to open up to my parents? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Hi Sugat,

Thanks for allowing me to address your question.

It sounds like you and your parents can use a little help with compassionate communication skills. Even if your parents are not completely dedicated or interested in developing better communication skills, you can fully embrace the idea and work on getting in touch with your compassionate communication.

I think you’ll find that once you begin to develop compassionate communication you’ll find that the ADHD, anxiety and depressive “pathologies” may diminish.

I’d like to suggest that you read Dr. Marshal B Rotenburgs book Nonviolent Communication.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Deepak Chopra. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The books preface includes:

An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.

The book also comes with a companion workbook, (I have not read through this yet).

Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook, 2nd Edition: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Lucy Leu. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

You read and work through this material with or without your parents. It will also compliment any therapy or professional visits you currently attend or plan to attend.

This book was suggested to me to better get in touch with the more challenging people with which I have to communicate and have relationships. I’ve found that many times the frustrations, anger or depression is due to being unable to affectively communicate our wants and needs. Therefore, what happens is our needs and wants are not being met and our inners person and our relationships suffer.

At the very least, read the sample you can view on Amazon and/or on your Kindle.

I hope that this idea helps and interests you. The book is a very good read and I believe that we can all benefit from approaching all our life’s challenges (even the most difficult) with a positive perspective and desire for a positive solution and outcome.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I learn to open up to my parents?