Don't be so quick to judgment!

In many high profile industries like sports, aviation and alike there is magnetic appeal to report in the media disparaging blame and judgement of fault or guilt upon the key players, pilots or accused in the matter at question. After all, where's the news unless you can hang someone right?

Well, a pilot in a recent aviation incident felt compelled to voice his dissent in the media, and societies quickness to accuse him as the failure or at fault for the incident/accident that ensued.

Aviation is a strange profession. I love it to death, but the strange part is that if I meet my end in my line of work, it's most likely that I'll be blamed.

I'll be blamed long before any proof is brought forward. I'll be blamed by the media, by the people. I'll be blamed by the passengers if they survive. In a week the data recorders will be analysed and then maybe they'll find that it's not my fault. That I fought for hope amidst hopelessness till my dying breath.

Sadly that won't make as good a headline as much as "pilot error", or "pilot veers off runway when aligning for takeoff".

In fact, it was nothing to do with aligning that brought this ill-fated crew to a halt just short the peripheral wall at Dabolim yesterday (December 27).

How I wish I could explain concepts of asymmetric thrust to the number of people passing silent judgment and being armchair jurors. How do I tell someone about how much thrust 27,000 odd pounds is? How do I reiterate what a reverser unlock is? How do I tell the person that the same 27,000 pounds is now in an opposite direction?

Most of the crowd probably doesn't even know what a moment arm or a couple is. They dropped physics in 8th grade as it was too complex. That said, they blame the human machine who earns his bread and butter, putting into practice what they felt was too complicated.

Jet Airways Goa-Mumbai flight, which skid off the runway on December 27.

To be honest it's disgusting - flying this kind of passenger and taking responsibility for his life for however long it may be.

How do I explain not being able to see three taxiway lights in front of me to a crowd that says, "anyway you autoland in fog"? How?

It's at the brink of frustration that I'm writing this. Back in the day, an old grey instructor told me, "Son, in this world of civil aviation, its best to be a nameless faceless pilot who does his job and goes home!"

I probably didn't understand it then but now, more than ever, I totally understand. The sad part is it doesn't matter if it is a Cactus 1511 with Sully or the 9W aircraft.

Sadly, with technology improving in the home and workplace, the human has become the weak link. Sometimes one must note that the human is the strongest link. Without them shutting down the malfunctioning engine, the plane might have gone into the terminal, increasing the statistics of loss of life

As an appeal to the non-aviation public, believe that we as pilots love what we do and would never put anyone's life in jeopardy. We are sons, daughters, wives, husbands, parents, just like you. We haven't fallen from the realm of Asgard into the helm of these metal ships. It takes years of hard work to achieve it.

Media folk, this is an appeal to you: It's you who have sensationalised our profession with scandals, malpractices, and so on. Paint the right picture of pilots worldwide. Tell people that we are there to save lives, not take them. Make an honest effort to redeem your name when you're standing at heaven's gates, or you'll probably have the boatman remove you from the boat.

Educate the masses - who you manipulate to get more views - to the actual facts of thrust, lift, weight and drag. Tell them, from start to finish, what happens from takeoff to touchdown.

Do tell them that when they see the wind looping out of the window and the tip moving, there is a hand guiding this giant metal bird through the skies.

Stop judging: Pilot of Jet Airways Goa runway crash writes a strong letter

 We see this same quickness to judge in many high profile or sensitive emotional subject including false rap, assault or sexual abuse that can quickly cause hysterical responses to further inflame the false accusation and sensations the rumors, gossip and worst of all press and public opinion.

As a professional pilot and parent of four young children, I witness these types of allegations and false opinions placed upon my peers all the time and its immensely frustrating. Eventually we can get the truth uncovered and the facts laid out for all to see. The damage has been done already, in most cases, when false allegations and disparaging claims are made in knee-jerk haste to capitalize on the media impact or personal attack.

It usually takes years to repair the damage caused by these unsubstantiated quick judgements. Just imagine the irreparable harm it causes to young children as well if they are involved in the blame and shame somehow in domestic situations.

I think this pilots appeals are sound. I believe its a good message and should be expanded towards all areas that require un-biased investigative work and science based facts and findings to get to the real truth(s) before passing judgements. Especially in high profile cases where the media can easily get into the weeds.

Thomas Zerbarini

Also see: Why was Crystal Mangum, in the Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted for false allegations and lying?

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

How can I learn to open up to my parents? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Hi Sugat,

Thanks for allowing me to address your question.

It sounds like you and your parents can use a little help with compassionate communication skills. Even if your parents are not completely dedicated or interested in developing better communication skills, you can fully embrace the idea and work on getting in touch with your compassionate communication.

I think you’ll find that once you begin to develop compassionate communication you’ll find that the ADHD, anxiety and depressive “pathologies” may diminish.

I’d like to suggest that you read Dr. Marshal B Rotenburgs book Nonviolent Communication.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Deepak Chopra. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The books preface includes:

An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.

The book also comes with a companion workbook, (I have not read through this yet).

Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook, 2nd Edition: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - Kindle edition by Lucy Leu. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

You read and work through this material with or without your parents. It will also compliment any therapy or professional visits you currently attend or plan to attend.

This book was suggested to me to better get in touch with the more challenging people with which I have to communicate and have relationships. I’ve found that many times the frustrations, anger or depression is due to being unable to affectively communicate our wants and needs. Therefore, what happens is our needs and wants are not being met and our inners person and our relationships suffer.

At the very least, read the sample you can view on Amazon and/or on your Kindle.

I hope that this idea helps and interests you. The book is a very good read and I believe that we can all benefit from approaching all our life’s challenges (even the most difficult) with a positive perspective and desire for a positive solution and outcome.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I learn to open up to my parents?

Why was Crystal Mangum, in the Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted for false allegations and lying?

Why was Crystal Mangum, the lying accuser in the false Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted?

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

False allegations of rape, molestation or inappropriate conduct are very easy claims to make and very difficult to disprove. Further, almost all false accusers go unpunished because the prosecution fails to file charges against the illegal acts. This further promotes more false accusation because the false accuser knows it is highly unlikely they will be prosecuted for their lies.

In contrast, most prosecutors don’t want to file charges against false accusations of sexual abuse or physical abuse. They claim it would, “set a precedence for victims not to come forward.”

Take a look at this article:

A Skeptic Reads the Newspaper: The Anatomy of False Accusations: A Skeptical Case Study - Center for Inquiry

You’ll find it reads to inform us about the anatomy of false allegations and the chilling consequences of an indifferent accuser. It highlights the behavior pattern and mental state found in most false accusers. The accuser never really considers the severe consequences of their actions and the pandoras box of hysteria that follows. There is clear pathology and behavior patterns that suggest weak moral compass in these accusers.

Probably the most difficult prospect facing a false accuser is not that they will be caught in a lie, it’s admitting they are wrong and misrepresented the truth. The false accuser is typically showered with attention, sympathy, support and financial gain. Family and friends rally behind them and the snowball effect of showering the victim(s) with support services and the financial backing of the justice sytem reinforce the false accusers need to hide the lie.

It is very easy to destroy someone with false allegations. It has become a defense strategy and weapon in relationships, marriages and custody battles. The most important factor in these allegations is an unbiased, well educated and thorough investigation like the one in the article above. Unfortunetely, most investigations are not conducted properly. They are conducted with a bias for the accusor(s), many times with untrained investigators or botched investigations. Much like the Duke case, you’ll find an overzealous prosecutor seeking attention and/or votes and playing to the “tough on crime” mantra and putting all accussed of sex crimes, innocent or not, “behind bars.”

There is a movement towards accountability and prosecution of these false accusers. I believe their should be accountability and checks-and-balances that are enforced. False allegations destroy lives, make victims of us all and drains our legal system of investigating real crimes. We should all be well informed and rational when it comes to these serious topics.

Thomas Zerbarini

Why was Crystal Mangum, the lying accuser in the false Duke lacrosse case not prosecuted?

How do I become a pilot? I am looking forward to becoming one, but I am very lost…please help!

My answer to How do I become a pilot? I am looking forward to becoming one, but I am very lost…please help

Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

I remember when I was in high school trying to figure out how to become an airline pilot. It all seems so elusive until I started asking questions and digging around like you are doing now.

Let me start off by saying I think your going after a Civil Engineering degree is a great idea. It really doesn't matter what degree you have when you want to become an airline pilot. It does make it easier to master more knowledge of the aviation industry if you get an aviation degree; but, you can study aviation at your leisure. Studying what you love is always easy.

I’ll share with you a previous post that gives links to aviation college resources and aviation flight schools as well. I would recommend visiting several colleges and schools and ask lots of questions. Prepare a folder with questions and a pad to write down you thoughts and observations when visiting.

The main obstacle for most pilot students is the financing and cost of flight training. You will find when you contact the flight schools and colleges that the “lab fees” or “flight training fees” are a big additional cost.

Consider going to a college that offers the civil degree and aviation flight degrees. I recommend this because when you are in college and get you flight training in college, you can use your financial aid and student loans for much of your training costs. Otherwise, you’ll have to self fund all of your flight training.

It is also a good idea to map out you post college and post training goals for gaining experience and your first commercial flying job. As an airline pilot you’ll need 1500 hours of flight time before the airlines can hire you. So, consider being a flight instructor, cargo pilot, bush pilot, etc… Be sure to ask questions on placement assistance and job search for graduates when you go to the schools.

What are the steps of becoming an airline pilot and how much time will it take?

How do I become a pilot?

I hope this helps.

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I become a pilot? I am looking forward to becoming one, but I am very lost…please help

My answer to How do I deal with accidental pregnancy and unexpected fatherhood? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Embrace it and enjoy the ride. It will be hard, it will be challenging and it will be rewarding too.

Don’t give up on your goals and dreams and your education. Especially, don’t give up on being involved with your baby and the mother. You must have interest and care for the mother, continue to work on that. There are support groups and resources available for new parents to take advantage of and help process the life changing event.

[caption id="attachment_704" align="alignnone" width="225"] Daddy's Love their Babies![/caption]

Ask for help! Be positive! Strive to be a good Father.

Search the internet for new Dad, Parent support groups.

Here’s a great article on how much a fathers involvement in a childs pregnancy, delivery and upbringing tremendously increases the outcome and success of the child, mother and father tremendously:

Working Dad: Do dads really need support groups?

Thomas Zerbarini

How do I deal with accidental pregnancy and unexpected fatherhood?

How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to wear a girls costume for Halloween?

My answer to How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to be a Rainbow Dash fairy princess for Halloween? Answer by Thomas Zerbarini:

Well, if he has his heart set on that costume and completely understands that others may laugh and snicker, I think that’s GREAT! If it makes him happy and creative that is a great reason to support his decision.

I personally would get dressed up in my costume and wear it when dropping him off and picking him up at school. I’d probably dress up as a superhero like superman or maybe a minion or maybe Megamind...

Have fun with that one and enjoy Halloween.

Thomas Zerbarini

How can I best support my 4-year-old son who wants to be a Rainbow Dash fairy princess for Halloween?

Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?

Answer by Karpagavalli Krishnan:

Unfortunately such mothers do exist.

My friend Kala was the youngest and the only daughter in their home. She arrived quite late in the family, an unplanned surprise.

Kala shared a very special bond with her father, like a lot of girls do. They go out together on hot evenings to have ice creams and for movies on the weekend. He helped her with her Maths and Physics and knew all her friends. Personally, I had huge admiration for the man.

She was her father’s favorite and that caused a lot of jealousy.

Her mother would insist that she sits in the middle seat whenever they go for movies and would want to give inputs during her lessons. It got worse when she grew up as her mother would dictate what she should wear and how she should behave with her father. Innocent hugs and pecks on cheeks were not as innocent anymore.

Her mother would sulk and act passive aggressive in her presence and refused to attend any events that involved her. That means her father would come for her recitations, sports day, report card day and others, while her mother sulk at home.

It made her feel apprehensive whenever she was around her parents. It felt like walking on thin ice. She was careful of what she’d spoke to her father in front of her and would limit her physical gestures.

Even long after her father’s demise, her mother accuses her for stealing her father away from her in a very subtle manner. She’d say things like how her father missed their anniversary celebration because it was her concert night, how her valentines gifts had become smaller because he has to buy something for both of them now.

All conversations about her late father with her mother seemed to go back to one place and time : how intimate they had been before her. The places they had honeymooned and all the romantic things he did for her before Kala was born.

She often tell me these stories of how she believes her mother is jealous of their father daughter relationship. At the beginning it sounds quite petty and I’d often recommend things like “invite your mother to come/join, she feels lonely”, but later I realized it’s not so petty anymore. It’s absurd and a sad thing, that a 45 years old mother says things like “No woman should touch my husband” to her own daughter.

Due to this, Kala and her mother was never on good terms. They tolerated each other for sake of their father and when he died, they just headed different path.

It was good for Kala though that they are no longer on talking terms, nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Are some mothers jealous of their daughters?